Frustration.

On the tube home, I overheard a conversation by two strangers who had just met. Usually no one speaks to one another on the station, but this guy and this girl had in common that they were both late and both ‘into’ theatre. ( read: actors, so slightly exhibitionistic anyway)

It reminded me why I don’t like actors. ( Sweeping generalisation.)
She complained she was late, he said to just make up a story about an old lady that made her contemplate the meaning of life. She said that she might as well just say that she met a lovely boy who made her feel much better about being late… He smiled.
What he did? Oh it was to horrible to say…Actually Disney had his soul in a box, he was in High School Musical… Yes and he had just signed up for another year- god life is hard. She was blatantly unemployed, or at least not working on stage, so she would have given her right arm to do what he was doing and complaining about.

She smiled bravely and said Oh kids must love you. Yes he said they do. She taught kids to dance, ah yes that’s was something he was really interested in. Oh he could always get into teaching, there are always kids around.
Oh she was really late now. Yeah so was he but it was his own fault as he tried to get a date in before the meeting with his ex. Why was he meeting up with his ex if it was over anyway, I mean some things are just meant to be. Oh it was a long story, this guy and him were going out for at least 6 years ( Note author: I swear the boy looked about 18 so this surprised me – the years, not the fact he was gay, though it startled her… Duh.)

I don’t know why this conversation irritated me, maybe I am like an ex-smoker who hates smokers. I just find actors really hard to be around, especially the ones that enforce the shallow perception that the audience has anyway. I cannot imagine anything more soul destroying than having to hang out with people who want to be famous or who just want to dance/sing/ perform. And yet I am a part of the latter I guess, this is really frustrating.

Yesterday I was at a party with loads of law students, after I was introduced to a group of them as a girl who had done a theatre course; there was an awkward silence. Then one of them said: So ..erh… Are you still in the eh… business… dahling? And this is the most horrendeous question I can imagine. How do I explain that no I am not, and I don’t want to be famous but I want to be recognised for my art haha. No that I just don’t know what I am doing yet etc etc.

It is very frustrating to not know what you are doing and where you are going. I am a little more at peace with it then I was two years ago, I am definitely less angry and/or scared, but it is frustrating none the less. Yes, I know it is wrong to judge others for living their life, and also highly pretentious, but I just don’t want to be seen as part of a group who would give a right arm to be in High School Musical the UK tour ( sorry if you are in it- I am sure you are great; I cannot even dance, this is all out of spite.) What do I want then?

See that’s the thing, I don’t know.

Maybe it’s just jealousy of people who are comfortable being (resting) actors and being totally into dancing and performing and loud conversations on the train.

But maybe not.

What it is, I just don’t know.

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