Day one of the new resolution and I almost fell at the first hurdle:
Last weekend whilst in Amsterdam I might have auditioned for a short course and got rejected. This time not on being crap per se apparently, but because they felt the course wouldn’t add to my skills. A little bit gutted of course as I thought it was a nice opportunity to ease back in.
For some masochistic reason I decided to e-mail the kind gentleman who had to give me the message and ask him whether: a) they felt I couldn’t develop because of the course not reaching that far or b) they just didn’t feel that I could develop further full stop. I asked him for an honest answer with the promise I wouldn’t jump of the roof.
He responded by explaining to me it was in fact Option B – they felt I wouldn’t develop any further so don’t even bother signing up to other courses. But I was part of their data base so perhaps maybe they might call me in the future, if anything came up. ( Note: I am not even in the same country.) He signed off with ‘ should you decide to jump, I would recommend a parachute.’ Perhaps meant to be funny, perhaps more to cover his own back, should they shovel up my corpse with a Post-It on the back: ASK R.
A little gutted turned to full bleeding heart-ache for about an hour. That is right: one hour. I felt sorry for myself for one hour. The shortest I have managed for a while – it is progress! Mostly because of what I had written yesterday. I want to make theatre, so just because one institution and one unfortunately really fit man with a misplaced sense of humour don’t like me ( because that is what they are saying in their sugarcoated way), should I give up and change my life. No. If I have learned one thing in the last few years: no matter how gorgeous the man is, you should not let him change your life.
Once I decided this strange things seemed to happen…
One: I heard a Green Day song that someone played on their computer in the office which reminded me of Emma and subsequently that I have an advantage on some in chasing my dreams: I am still alive.
Two: my friend Trev send me the loveliest e-mail in the world pointing out that life is all about believing in oneself. He included a list of fun facts, one of them was: Walt Disney was fired as a newspaper editor because they said he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.
Three: My friend Gemma called. She is still heavily involved in theatre. As I was still at work I had to call her back tonight, turns out she is struggling the same struggle. As I spoke to her, I thought if only I myself would do what I’d advise a friend.
Four: I got offered a place on another short course in London, which I signed up for on a whim yesterday.
Five: Picked up a ShortList Magazine ( free mag here in London) with Danny Wallace on the cover. He is a columnist for the mag, wrote the book Yes Man which has been translated into the film with Jim Carrey and he is currently working on a sit-com too. The article about him included a time line from his first meeting to a pilot script: two years. Patience is indeed a virtue.
Six: My lovely flatmate brought home the DVD Julie&Julia, about a writer with half a novel who decide to start a blog – just for the sake of writing- turning a cook book into a blog, into a book, into a film.
Seven: I realised I am scheduled to play funky folk (apparently- though I think I e-mailed funny folk) on the 19th of June at the Midsummer Feminist Party… so no use in crying, I’d better get my act into gear!
All this and in particular Trev’s e-mail reminded me of the reality of pursuing dreams, none of this sugar-coated ‘maybe, possibly’ nonsense, in Woody Allen’s words: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Last weekend I showed up and unexpectedly I learned it I don’t need anyone to give me a chance at what I love doing if I just do it. Come rain or shine the 19th June I will be there, now where is that guitar…