Freak

My six-week soulvacation is almost up. It has been great and I would recommend it to anyone: I am tanned, I feel happy, rested and ready to take on the world. I am going to need it, as the underlying purpose of taking a breather was trying to figure out my next step.

Over the last few weeks I have had lots of conversations about this with lots of different people.  Yes I admit: I have gone The Secret, Oprah and Dr Phil on all this – lists (I have been writing lists of the things I love doing, the things I dream about, the things I would love to achieve), visualizations (which you are supposed to do in bed, but I seem to just fall asleep), happy thoughts, personality quizzes (apparently I am scared to fail and scared to succeed; where does that leave you?), all that and more.

Once again I was jotting down things in my notebook yesterday afternoon, when I realised that I have come up with the same list, pretty much every time. Having done it over and over, it has become a tick box exercise:  I already know who I am and what I want. The problem is committing to it.

Let’s be face it: I am a commitment-phobe. I have joked about it before how I have made it a sport to move house at least once a year (it just happens!) and that I never really unpack, even keeping my boxes in my room. Indeed, lack of purpose drives me nuts, but so does routine. What I wish for is stability in instability: a consistent stream of unexpected events – please.

Even committing to myself, my ambitions, seems a challenge for me. Still what I have heard a lot these weeks is:  if you don’t do it, no one else will. There’s a fact, so perhaps it is time to work on a plan again.

It sounds braver than I feel, the mere idea has me feeling sick in the stomach. Why? Because a plan means actually working towards something, self-believe and creating chances to elevate yourself to places you only dreamt of. (My fear of success – it might actually lead somewhere and then what?!)

Because it means believing in it, not just moaning about your life as shite, it means taking criticism on the chin, it means standing by it when the going gets tough. Otherwise a plan doesn’t work; flexibility yes, abandonment no. (…and there is my fear of failure.)

I am scared. Scared of what is possible and excited about what is possible. Good in time that I have been writing this, fear seems to have transformed into excitement.  That’s good. (Shall I confess that I have been writing and editing for two days? No?) Feel the fear and do it anyway right? Right. So here we go…

To Be Continued.

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