Should you use a condom?

I understand now the Pope has made a statement on condoms and the spinners are quick to read out the small print (” oooh this can be seen as the Holy Father’s personal opinion, not God’s word.” What? Since when does the man have a personal opinion, what stupid Newtonesque Evil God theory is this?) we are all confused. So for anyone stuck on what to do tonight, here a diagram:

1. You want to have sex:

Yes- go to 1b.                     No- go to 8

1b.You are married

Yes – go to 3a.                 No – go to 2.

2. You care about the morals of the Catholic Church:

Yes – go to 3a                     No-go to 3b

3a. Are you trying to get yourself/another person pregnant?

Yes- go to 4a                     No- go to 5

3b. Are you trying to get yourself/another person pregnant?

Yes – go to 4c                           No- go to 4b

4a. Are you HIV positive?

Yes – go to 6             No – go to 11

4b. Are you HIV positive?

Yes-go to 9                 No- go to 10

4c. Are you HIV positive

Yes- go to 6                   No- go to 7.

5. Would you consider another source of entertainment tonight?

Yes – go to 8                 No- go to 4b.

6. Ah tricky situation here. There is the risk of infecting the other person and the baby, but there are alternatives like insemination. See this website for further details.

7. You are about to have sex, unmarried sex, to create a child. Moral dilemma: your child will be born a bastard, but if you promise christen it I’m sure the Big Man will forgive its soul – no one can choose their parents.

8. Robson Green’s Wild Swimming Adventure is broadcast by ITV tonight. Alternatively visit the Time Out website to see what’s on where you are.

9. Congratulations! You are allowed by papal permission to wear a condom, to prevent disease. Especially if you are a male prostitute. Small print: please note that if the Catholic church puts too much pressure on, the comment will be dismissed as the Pope’s personal opinion and either way you will most certainly not enter Heaven after this life.

10. Tough luck, a condom is not allowed to prevent pregnancies. You can always rely on the tried and tested methods of withdrawal and monthly cycle roulette: Good luck!

11. If you are not yet married, forget the condom but put a ring on it. If you are already married – well done you. You are HIV free and trying to have a baby. Have lots of sex,  enjoy it. Once the baby is here, the fun is over.

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