A hopeless jumble

It was going to be one of those days from the moment I realised I was thinking about things before I had even opened my eyes. My tendency to over-analyze

by funkymovie.com

things (even before I am well and truly awake it seems) stops me from actually achieving. Some days  I feel like the tv-detective Monk but without the obvious OCDs, just the one in my head.

 

On these days, when I do manage to get things done, I seem to automatically kick the goal higher or further away. Today I managed to get everything done I needed to do: applied for jobs, prepped for interview, did some grocery shopping (a girl’s got to eat!), ran some errands and I am writing a blog (though I am still unsure whether it will be posted.)

Still my focus seems to be on what’s not achieved: I did not pick up the mystery parcel that was returned to the post-office after I missed the postman, I did not work on my play and I did not hand in my CV to a place that was blatantly advertising because I did not have a CV on me. All this I can do tomorrow. I know. It just doesn’t count for today.

Tonight I got an email about the writing competition and it offered all kinds of workshops for the bargain price of £20 each, so we can all find out what they are looking for and what kind of play wins. This led me to an incredible interesting branch of the BBC website that tells me it is hard to be a writer. It lists all the things one should do and avoid, and don’t expect to make any money soon. In any kind of writing. Ever. Or as one of my friends kindly asked me on NYE: ” Does at least your sister have a chance of getting a job?”  I sure hope so, at least my parents DNA won’t have been completely wasted then. What kind of question is that?!

So in the midst of all the thoughts twirling through my head, it is up to me to flick the switch. The world’s already filled with obstacles: from terrifying website advice and cornershop men who laugh in your face to actual friends who try but who just cannot understand you. Them, I cannot control, but myself…I can choose to feel fear instead of excitement, to worry or to watch a film or read a book. Once chosen to pursue my happiness, I can no longer turn back from this road I’m on: I need to be the master of my fate, I need to stay the captain of my soul.

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