Sometimes I wish I was Charlie Sheen: born ready and winning. Only two nights to go before I leave and I feel neither ready or winning.
This week I’ve been tying up loose ends and making myself feel nervous about this endeavour. It’s the contradiction in me: wanting to go on a little adventure but also wanting to have the stability. The other day I did a handwriting test – yeah lots of time on my hands – it said I was spontaneous and I liked having things planned. If I had paid the $49.99 I’m sure I would have found out loads of other interesting things about my personality but this really summed it up.
It doesn’t help that I am willing/hoping that the next stepping stone will pop up in the next few months. I have no plans for May and as exhilarating as it is – it’s also very scary. What if this is all a big mistake? I turn up, I have nothing to add, everyone will know everything and I may as well pack up and go home. Those are my fears, my thoughts that literally make me feel sick.
Someone said to me: ” You have moved country before, this is only for two months and it’s not going to be different!” It will be different: when I emigrated I was 17 and invincible – now I can spot potential dangers from 300 miles off. That is what an extra near-decade of life does to you. Plus, every time I have done something similar I have felt nervous; often because the outcome of my travels/ courses were not as predicted. Why? Probably because I set my standards stupidly high and if/when I do meet them, I promptly move the goalposts. I know I do this. That is what an extra near-decade of life does to you too.
So yes, it will have to be different this time: in the four hours (!) that it has taken me to write this piece, I have decided it is time to break the boring cycle. Time to let go of the self-deprecation, the feeling guilty and the self-sabotaging.
I can do anything. I am woman. Watch me grow.