Silly Skills I wish I had

Lock-picking, with which I mean the hairpin-lock picking kind. How cool would that be? So useful too, if not slightly illegal. Imagine: drunken night out, can’t find keys, not a problem… until you find yourself in the wrong house. Oops. Still would like to learn, they just don’t seem to advertise these courses…

Speaking Arab or Chinese, not silly per se as this is where the future lies apparently. The latter would also mean that I would disappoint less people with the East Asian appearance but lacking East Asian substance! Arab just sounds impressive.

Play the piano. Well. Play the Piano well. Not the Frere Jacques variety. I just know I don’t have the patience, should the Play Piano Well App be invented I would kick principles aside and buy the phone. Just for that.

Make Meringues/Pavlovas. Theoretically possible, in practice this resulted in a very sticky kitchen and 24(!)over-beaten egg whites. I love Pavlovas: this made the event double sad.

Take on any accent. As some photographer once told me, it doesn’t matter what you look like : you can be any girl-next-door if you speak the language of the street.

Understand how the stockmarket works and have the guts to do it. This would help fund the next silly skill below.

The ability to walk on stilettos because they are beautiful. Like assistants, with a pair shoes you get what you pay for. Unfortunately certain people tend to pay the equal amount for both… which really only works out for you if you are an assistant to the very well heeled!

With the glasses, in black and white and a slight age difference: we still would.

Shoot a gun, Atticus style of course. Like lock-picking really, also not advisable in drunk state. I think it would be a useful skill to have, like driving a car. Which reminds me…

Parking a car decently. I am unfortunately still the female stereotype, but this is actually a skill I’m hoping to improve. Here’s hoping.

Swim properly. I can swim enough to hopefully never pull a Natalie Wood but I also don’t really like it. Maybe if I were good at it. Then again maybe not.

Have gorgeous handwriting, you know the kind that stands out. Currently it is fairly mediocre middle of the road girly round lettering.

Fly an airplane, but might have a problem trying to land the damn plane… (see parking).

Plait, Boy George Style

Make a French plait – now my arms just cramp up and my hair stills look silly. I am also worried that I’m going to have a little girl who wants to have French plaits and I am the only mother who cannot do it. Mortifying. God, I am so not ready for any alpha-mum competitions at the school gate. (Boys would be even worse – pee up standing?! How do you teach him that? He can’t even reach over the bloody toilet… Can’t they  just sit down and be less messy? I might not be allowed to become a single mum to boys, I might get sued for child abuse or end up shelling out for therapy.)

Be a wine expert. Expensive hobby but good party skill. Have a feeling this would also lessen the hangovers.

Enjoy doing nothing. Would reduce worrying and lower anxiety levels, would lower blood pressure and prolong my life with a couple of years.

But what is the use of that if you haven’t done anything?